I have to admit to feeling a bit down recently. I rarely admit to that, it's usually me that's the one who jollies life along and makes a point of cheering up anyone displaying anything less than a smile. Don't get me wrong, I've still been bumbling away and doing that but deep within me I've not felt on my usual cloud nine. I've been trying to give some thought to what it is that's causing my moment of not-quite-feeling-right and I think I've worked it out.
It came to me last week whilst I was browsing through old photos.
What became very obvious to me was all the amazing times I have had, the absolutely fabulous life I have created for myself. The best times were mainly spent as a family unit. Some how it suddenly seemed that life just isn't the same any more.
I'm still the same old fun loving, enthusiastic me, I still have similar dreams, but what I lack is someone who is behind me and helping me achieve those dreams. But it's not just that, I also feel a tad wasted that I don't have anyone to nurture in return.
It's a funny one. Many years ago, I recall going to the cinema to watch 'Bridget Jones'. I actually cried back then (really I did) because I thought that a single life seemed so cool and was slightly envious of Bridget's ability to do as she pleased. I was at that time in a relationship and although things were great I guess the grass on the side of 'married life' somehow seemed greener.
I'm two and a quarter years into 'single living' now, of course in many ways it's great. I can do very much as I please. I can make allll the decisions, I can stay up late, stay out late, chat to who I want at parties, stay at parties until I choose to go, eat what I want, have the whole bed to myself. I don't have to wash anyone else's laundry and don't have to clean anyone else's hair out of the bath! I also have access to the shed and have filled it with my things!!!
A true compatible relationship won't make you feel that such tasks are ardeous chores, a true soul mate will be set free by their partner to expand themselves and reach their full potential.
I think that's what I'm missing........
With all this freedom you would think I should be happy and skipping about in life.....frequently I do, but what I concluded at the start of the weekend is that 'life has been on hold'. I guess what I mean by that is that I just haven't had the same motivation to live the life I want to live. Now this is possibly going to sound ridiculous as it would appear that I do lots of interesting things on a regular basis and it is true, I do. But there are lots of things that just get put off because no one is behind me saying 'great idea....let's do it'. Years ago my dream was to be self sufficient, I've been pretty close in many ways. I've grown vegetables, I've kept chickens, I've lived with a sustainable heat source, lots of things...now I seem further away from that life then ever before. The whole concept of sustainable living as a singleton seems way beyond my grasp. It's frustrating to say the least.
So what to do? Apart from to dream and continue to say 'one day'...hmmm...... I guess continue to surround myself with lovely inspiring people and allow myself to grow in other areas. Perhaps now is the time to get out there and develop new skills??
As for Bridget Jones, I'm almost through the latest instalment of her life's saga....poor Bridget is also widowed....Bridget and I are now living parallel lives.....anyone who knows me well who reads the latest book will know what I mean....laughable!!!
Note to self......memories last a life time, 'time to leave the past behind'......X
And note to all.....being single is over rated!!